I remember when Kurt set this damn thing up for me. He told me that writing down my feelings helped and that just because there were things you couldn't say to other people, didn't mean you shouldn't say them at all. He was always a friggen smart kid. He left me for dust. Some days, I couldn't believe I made him, but he's the best thing in my whole damn life I ever did.

When he left to go to college, as long as I had been preparing for it, it still felt like my heart got ripped out and thrown under a moving bus. I had him for 19 damn years, and then he was suddenly not there every day. The biggest part of my job as a dad was done, and I had to set him free. Ain't no one can tell you that isn't the hardest freaking thing about being a parent, because it is. Letting them go. There ain't anything easy about that.

But never in my whole damn life did I think for a moment that I would only get 23 years him. A lot of people say a parent should never outlive their kid, and to face that very real chance, I feel like I can't even function. I don't know how I'm even moving, thinking, breathing. Breathing seems so much harder right now. Every time that damn Dougie Howser-like kid comes up to me, I think it's gonna be with the worst. Kurt nearly died last night, and we dunno if he's gonna make it through the next few hours, let alone at all.

Why do they always say you want your kid to follow in your footsteps? What happens then that goes to the extreme? Did I want him to be a football player? Yeah, I did. What father doesn't want their kid to follow in some of the things you love? I wanted it. I wanted him to take over the shop, to like getting his hands dirty, to wanna play a game of baseball out the backyard rather than reenacting scenes from the Sound of Music, complete with costumes. But that was Kurt. And Kurt was my boy, no matter damn what. He helped me learn that you shouldn't just settle for a kid following in your footsteps, you should give them everything you can to help them tread their own path... and without looking back in regret.

But to have a damn doctor come to you and tell you that your kid just had a heart attack? That ain't no following in my damn footsteps I want. He's still a damn kid! He's too young. Why the hell is this happening? Why is it happening to Kurt, to my boy? Prayers don't seem enough right now. He's fight like the damn determined, passionate and strong kid he is, but what if his body checks out on him and betrays him? Prayers ain't gonna work. I tried that with Karen and we still lost her. All I wanna do is change places with him. This should be me, not him. He should be the one with the warm hands and the bright eyes, and all the passion in life to overcome the hardest shit anyone wants to throw at him. But this time, I dunno if he has the strength. What if he's just been fighting too damn long and finally had enough?

My son. The sunshine of my life.

Which won't be worth living without him.

Kurt had something called a myocardial infarction, caused by a pulmonary embolism. In simple terms, a heart attack caused by a blood clot in the arteries of the lung. Unfortunately, it was a rare risk of the chemo with Kurt's form of cancer and even though it was small, in a sense, Kurt's weakened and the fight is a lot harder. We had a lot of work to keep him with us but we managed to remove the clot and he's on medication to thin the blood to prevent it further. We just have to wait to see how he is over the next few hours.

He's in the ICU now. Family only for visitors. Prayers won't hurt.

PS. If anyone has questions, I'm happy to answer them. Blaine's okay with me talking to whoever needs it.